What’s It Like To Have An Eating Disorder?

Recently I have seen several articles on eating disorders, body image, social norms and media. When I share these articles I usually have two camps of people who respond, those who have suffered from these issues and those who have not. The ones who have had first hand experience of what it is like to live with an eating disorder respond with a sense of relief that they are not alone in their ongoing struggle and that there are others out there who are also dealing with the same issues. Those who have never dealt with an eating disorder cannot comprehend what it’s like and don’t understand how anyone can look at themselves in the mirror and see anything other than what is really there. Well let me tell you, the truth of living with an eating disorder is not pretty, it’s not easy and it’s not something you will ever fully recover from. Please note that while this is how I experienced my own eating disorder, this is not everyone’s experience. Each person deals with it in their own unique way, although many of the behaviors and symptoms are similar across the board.

My disorder was primarily characterized by restricted eating, excessive exercise and some moderate laxative and diuretic use. While I attempted bingeing and purging, I was never able to get myself to do it. I also suffered from diagnosed Body Dysmorphic Disorder which essentially is the fixation upon real or perceived flaws in one’s body that can result in anxiety and ultimately in disordered eating/exercise behaviors. I dealt with this primarily as a teenager and young adult, but to this day I have my issues even though I would say that I am primarily recovered. Below are several of the realities of living with an eating disorder that people should understand who have never experienced one.

1) When we say we feel fat, we mean it. It may not be an actual physiological condition, but in our minds and our bodies, that’s how it feels. It’s something we can’t explain but it has real and lasting consequences in our behavior.

2) We hate eating out because we think you are going to scrutinize every bite we are taking. In fact, we might just go with you, have a calorie free beverage and keep you company rather than have to deal with choosing something “safe” to eat.

3) Gaining even a pound is grounds for sending us into compulsive exercise or making us freak out about what to eat for the next 24 hours.

4) When someone tells us that we are looking too thin, we actually take that as a compliment and a challenge to lose more weight.

5) Most of us are perfectionists in all aspects of our lives. We tend to get good grades, be exemplary employees and be extremely OCD in many regards of our lives.

6) We often find “safe” foods that we will eat exclusively. I went through the cereal phase, the almond phase, the hummus phase, the apple phase, the turkey phase and numerous other ones. Literally they would be the only thing I ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Every day. For months. If we are getting the desired results from eating these foods, we will stick with them, even if we are tired, losing our hair, losing our finger nails and feeling light headed.

7) Getting better sucks. It’s hard. It’s scary. It is completely out of our comfort zones and it makes us feel completely out of control, which is what having an eating disorder is ultimately about: CONTROL. It doesn’t mean we don’t want to get better, it just means we are terrified of the ultimate consequence, which is gaining weight and having to interact with food and people in a “normal” way.

My evolution happened because I made a choice that enough was enough. I decided that I couldn’t keep doing this to myself and that it wasn’t worth the isolation that it brought to my life to continue living this way. But that decision isn’t always so easy for people to make. And ultimately forcing someone into recovery doesn’t work. It is deeply personal, deeply emotional and deeply physical. So for those who are trying to help someone get past an eating disorder or are trying to understand why they are behaving in what seems to be a completely irrational way, don’t rush to conclusions or judgments. Be there. Support them. Care for them. But never judge them. You have no idea what they are going through.

For more on eating disorders, treatment and support groups visit: www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

This was in 1999 at my thinnest weight of 89 lbs.